Paul has been in prison since October and while I consider him my husband we are not truly married. That technically makes me single. Our bond is such that I don’t want to cheat on him, but the desire creeps in. And I worry I have done something far worse than cheat on him physically. I started talking to a man online and I told him about Paul’s situation. The whole truth, the ugly truth and we talk online most nights. Sometimes he tries to talk me into sending him pictures. I tell him no. I keep him at arm’s length. But the other night I found myself genuinely caring for this man and wondering what he was up to.
Visitation last Saturday was weird. We hadn’t spoken on the phone all week because Paul’s phones were shut off. It seems a CO found a cell phone in the unit and since no one would snitch, the entire unit lost phone privileges for a week. Despite not talking for a week we spent most of the visitation just hugging in silence. What could I tell him? While you are in here by yourself I have been talking to a man online? No, I couldn’t possibly tell him how I am truly filling the lonely hours.
The physical desire to cheat is strong too. I miss the touch of a man. I miss the arms wrapped around me. I miss the warmth of a man in my bed. But I could never do that to Paul. I regret talking and letting myself get emotionally involved with another man online. We met innocently enough by playing Words with Friends. There is a small chat element to the program and he messaged me through there and then encouraged me to get a messaging app. We have been talking ever since. Some nights for hours at a time. If Paul were in the room with me I would not text this man. So I know I shouldn’t be doing it while he is behind bars. And when school starts I am probably going to disconnect the app and leave him behind. I figure I will be so busy with school and day to day work that I won’t have time to talk to him. That’s probably what I need to do. I guess I need to get a hobby.
I plan on joining a gym. I need to lose 100lbs. I would be happy to lose 75 in a year and then slowly lose the rest. Maybe if I focus all my energy on working out and losing weight I won’t have time to have emotional affairs while Paul is behind bars. I am a terrible flirt and tease so losing weight will only open me up for physical cheating. I have to tell myself that I consider Paul my husband and that while being alone for the next five years sure feels like being single, I am not single. My husband just happens to be doing time. And I know I could never look into those blue eyes I fell in love with and explain how I could have cheated on him.
So for now I will have to live Saturday to Saturday and settle for his hugs and kisses. I need to find things to talk about to avoid the awkward silence. I know in less than a week I will have school starting up so I will have things that I can tell him about school and the new people I am meeting. And when I join the gym I can tell him about all the people I see and the excitement of working out again and hopefully I will start to see some losses so we will have things to talk about. I know its hard for him, he tells me so everytime we are together. He just doesn’t know how hard it is to resist temptation.